At 31 years old, Plaxico Burress’s sentence of 2 years in a NY state Pen, means the end of his NFL career, all because he wanted to carry a handgun around NY to clubs. Vick’s return to the NFL after murdering dogs for profit, means there is a chance that Plaxico may return, but it looks a little bleaker for Plaxico considering the position he plays. I imagine someone will sign him in 2011, but don’t expect to see the same player ever again.

Fighting off inmates with homemade shanks can ruin your ability to catch footballs consistently.

~Cornelius

Just practicin’.

~Cornelius

In what may be the most confusing story in sports, a “woman” named Caster Semenya, 18, from South Africa, smoked the 800 meter competition in Berlin at the world championships, but is now being subjected to a rigorous “gender test”.

There have been serious questions as to whether or not Caster is actually a woman, genetically. IAAF officials even sound baffled by the situation when commenting,

“If there’s a problem and it turns out that there’s been a fraud … that someone has changed sex, then obviously it would be much easier to strip results,” Davies added. “However, if it’s a natural thing and the athlete has always thought she’s a woman or been a woman, it’s not exactly cheating.”

As it seems, I can suggest a few other American athletes that should be tested.

~Cornelius

It used to be that when Boston no longer wanted star athletes, they would bounce on over to the West Coast, i.e. Derek Lowe,  Nomar, Manny, and Deion Branch. But with the economy in the tank, it seems guys are only making it halfway across the country these days.

Matt Cassel escaped to Kansas City in the NFL offseason, while the St. Louis Cardinals have scooped up error-proned Julio Lugo, and now bullpen-ready, wannabe starter, John Smoltz.

Smoltz told the Red Sox he didn’t want to be a bullpen pitcher, but obviously that’s all the future Hall of Famer has left in the tank. I’m sure the threat of being sent to Pawtucket was enough to convince Smoltz to know his role with the next team he joins, and seeing as how the Cards only have a couple good pitchers, he should look better away from the star studded A.L. East.

~Cornelius

“I was sitting in my trash bin in the middle of nowhere Mississippi, when I decided that I am not ready to stop covering Brett’s salt n’ pepper head in filth and stank. I’d like to officially announce my return to the professional world of being a disgusting article of clothing. I may not smell as bad as I look, but I assure you, I will wipe up every ounce of leftover blood from Brett’s head after the brutal beatdown he’ll be getting in Green Bay this year. I want to thank my dirty wife and kids for their support, and most of all, Brett, for his loyalty to me even after the time he dropped me in that Port-A-Potty at the last Brad Paisley concert in Ohio. Thanks for reaching in and saving me Brett. I love you.”

(I just threw up a little bit writing that quote. Goodnight.)

~Cornelius

Donovan Landon says he thinks he got the pig flu in New England, but felt well enough to play for the U.S. against Mexico. Now Mexican Galaxy fans are mad at him for trying to play for the U.S. in Mexico City last week, but sitting the bench in L.A..

Just tell them the truth Donovan, you GOT the pig flu in Mexico! Stop trying to be PC, because I was just in New England, and I don’t have pig flu!

~Cornelius

Arsenal used Celtic players like, Gary Caldwell, to steal a rare victory in Glasgow Wednesday during the Champions League group stages. Celtic has only lost 2 other times in the past 36 matches at Parkhead, and this one was especially painful considering Celtic scored a goal to match Arsenal’s goal, but forgot which net they were aiming for.

Own goals are for losers.

~Cornelius

Tarvaris Jackson had a 59.1% completion percentage last season while going 10-6 for the Vikings, only to get beat down by Michael Vick’s new team in Philly. This season, Jackson will be replaced by a bionic shouldered, rapidly aging, 39-year-old Brett Favre as his payment. Matt Cassel went 11-5, and earned a 6 year $63 million deal with the Chiefs.

In related news: USC hero, John David Booty fell to fifth on the depth chart in Minnesota. How very Matt Leinhart of him. Do any USC players shine in the pros anymore? At least Sanchez has a backup plan.

~Cornelius

Just practicin

The Red Sox fell out of the lead for the AL wildcard and are in serious trouble.

They have the best bullpen in baseball, one of the best aces in baseball, and a second ace to compliment him, but other than that there pitching is full of question marks.

Their lineup is stacked with talented good character guys, but they don’t have a Texiera, or an A-Rod, or, dare I say, a Manny to carry them for a week at a time, when they need it.

There are going to be a lot of annoying fans out there not talking trash, or prouncing words all retarded, feet in mouths because,

Ear muffs Cornilius,

The Red Sox are not making the playoffs.

Michalis Hatzigiannis